Hey y’all. I’m going to drop a totally on brand for me bomb on you. Actually I had an epiphany about myself that I’m just sharing with you. I am a bad girlfriend. Well, no – I’m an excellent girlfriend. I am a f’n catch! Except I don’t do feelings. If you don’t love me at my most awkward, well sucks to be you because that’s basically my only mode. What’s up, fellas?
My self revelation came in a flash when chatting with a coworker about – well – how much I suck at being normal. This is a seriously fkd up version of The Secret. I promise you I did not purposely put this out in the universe. I’ve wrongfully “asked, believed, and received.” I just don’t do feelings.
So anyway; here goes.
Dating Is Stupid
It really is. But, if you want to find your soulmate or whatever, you need to date and catch the feels, etc. It’s a process. In my opinion, it is a very stupid process… but sure, why not… necessary.
So anyway, I was set up with this guy we’ll call Sparkles. [Names have been changed because I’ve humiliated enough people in my life & he probably wants to forget he ever knew me at all. Also, his imagined future of us was so bright, it sparkled. Eww]
Sparkles is a great guy. Really swell. And completely okay with me wanting to proceed with caution. “I have a young son,” I explained. (The Boy was maybe 6 at the time, I think) “I don’t like anyone outside our friends/family bubble meeting him.” He completely understood. He said as a father himself, he is very careful who he would bring or even talk about around his daughter. Perfect. I love being on the same page with others, because a lot of what I try to communicate is legit gibberish. No one gets me… mostly because I suck at communication and have an adverse effect to confrontation.
Here I am, at lunch with Sparkles, truly enjoying our conversation. Sparks and shit. So we set up a second date, because – like I said: sparks and shit. We talked and texted pretty much every evening until the next date. Second date went fantastic. Sparkles is funny, smart, a gentleman, and very easy on the eyes. I definitely won’t mind proceeding with caution with this guy.
But wait. There’s more.
Meet My Mom
Our evening talks/texts after our second date were proceeding marvelously…until… they were not.
Sparkles: I’m going on a road trip
Me: Oh nice! Have fun!
Sparkles: You both should come with me.
Sparkles: I really want you to meet my parents.
What the actual f*ck just happened here? THIS IS NOT SLOW! THIS IS NOT PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION! YOU JUST RUINED A GOOD THING, SPARKLES!
Me: Soooo, it’s dinner time and I got to go, but we’ll talk later. K byeeeee.
* Oh yeah, did I mention his parents lived across Texas – like 8 hours away. In case any of you all think I might’ve been overreacting; agree to disafuckinggree. That’s not like running into Mom at Target. Mom’s house is like… freakin destination point. HUGE DIFFERENCE.
We Need To Talk but I Don’t Do Feelings
I hate those four words. I mean I’ve said them before, but I hate hearing them. Having feelings versus talking about feelings is quite different. VERY. DIFFERENT. Personally, I prefer neither, but if I catch feelings, l still don’t want to talk about them. Ick.
But, yeah – we definitely needed to talk. Our slow moving thing just jumped on the highway and I was NOT okay with it.
So fine, we’ll have our stupid talk…eventually. I just really don’t want to. My not so subtle hints were not working:
Me: I just don’t think we’re ready for that kind of road trip.
Him: Oh no, it’s fine. I got a rental.
Me: I just don’t think it’s the right time.
Him: Oh no, it’s perfect. It lands on a long holiday weekend.
Me: *Internally screaming forever*
Sparkles just wasn’t getting it. Time to just pretend I’m not hearing this uncomfortableness. It’s kind of my thing. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m kind of a master subject changer. You never know if I’m avoiding the topic or if it’s my crazy brain train of thought. It really is a coin toss.
So here we are, needing to have a “put the cap on your crazy” talk that I don’t want to have and it’s NBA playoff season and my beloved Spurs are kicking a**. Ugh, men.
There’s No Feelings in Basketball
I ask for relatively little out of any kind of relationship. We don’t talk about our feelings (except when I feel like it), tell me I’m pretty (without me asking) on occasion, let me watch true crime and then be paranoid about the true crime I just watched (without judging) and… LET ME ENJOY MY BASKETBALL. Is that too much to want?
Apparently Sparkles thought so. The “we should talk” texts went ignored. In my defense, it was after I responded to the first “let’s talk” text. There is only so much talking your girl can do. GEEZUS.
I let one call go to voicemail because HELLO?! The Spurs were playing. Then I let another call go to voicemail because HELLO?! Commercials are for bathroom breaks. I was still mostly willing to work with all his crazy because I was pretty sure Sparkles was just having a needy day.
But he just kept spiraling. What I had on my phone was basically a text monologue. His last bit of the one-sided conversation sealed it.
Sparkles: I am so excited about the family we’re becoming
Me: I don’t think we should see each other anymore.
That’s it. That was my actual response. He was ruining the playoffs for me and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Also, please remember we had only been on two dates. TWO. But it was really interrupting my Spurs game that was the final straw.
I stand by my decision. I said what I said.