Ohh you Bachelor, you devilish fiend. I’m keep coming back to you.
Update: Week 3 was killing me so I had to Google “cheese pasta”. It’s not macaroni like I thought… it’s actually much worse. It’s actual pasta with shredded cheese mixed in. That is Raquel’s famous cheese pasta. I actually tried to make this when I was 10 and my parents wouldn’t buy me boxed macaroni. It’s as f*cking disgusting as you’re probably imagining. Corinne’s got problems y’all.
- Another week, another rose ceremony. Are these roses live or fake? Do they reuse the roses for each ceremony? Do the women get to keep them forever or do they have to return them at the of the season? These are the questions that plague me now, folks. This is what I’ve become.
- Corinne skipped her nap to attend, so there probably won’t be any drama. No wait, I was wrong.
- Corinne gets the last rose of the night and decides it’s a good time to make a speech. Wait. Do the girls do this? Is this normal? I’m going to go with “no”.
- Corinne: I am just so happy for me and all you fake bitches.”
- Taylor and Sarah decide Corinne needs some kind of intervention. I don’t know if they actually do interventions for people that are just self involved, stalkery bitches, but Taylor is a mental health expert and she says it’s a thing, so here we are.
- “Corinne, you’re just a bitch with a nanny. And possibly anemia.”
- Corinne being honestly shocked that her behavior isn’t Bachelor bitch approved is probably the most Corinne thing ever. Like, guys. She’s trying to get engaged here. That requires plenty of rest. Naps are essential.
- Host Chris decides the house hasn’t had enough mind games, because you know, 20 women trying to marry 1 guy isn’t enough of a psychological trip. “Where in the world should you guys go? New Zealand? Hawaii? HOW ABOUT MILWAUKEE?!” Savage, Chris. Savage. Go choke on a rose.
- You know these girls are in it to win it. Absolutely zero people are that excited to visit Milwaukee. You’re not fooling anyone. Shout out to Corinne for keeping it (semi) real. “I don’t know where Milwaukee is and I think it’s actually a made up place, but Nick is going to be there so it’s fine.”
- Sidenote: Alexis post travel look is basically me at my best at any given moment. Hot messes ban together, yo!
- Nick meeting with his parents and his mom crying basically the whole time is pretty telling where all the tears come from. Your mom had 11 children, Nick. She’s entitled to her jacked up hormones. You on the other hand need to suck it up, buttercup.
- Nick: I just want to find true love.
- Nick’s mom: Then you should probably stop going on fucking reality shows to find it, you monumental moron.
One on One Date
- Nick takes Danielle L. on the first individual date of the trip and I’m pretty sure he planned it all himself because this is crap. Who okay’d this sad tour of Nick failures? This just reaffirms my belief that the producers actually hate Nick. “The is where I got rejected. Oh this is where I got dumped. OOH and this is where I lost my virginity… right before she dumped me.” Such a charmer, this one. Run away, Danielle!
- Why does this bakery have creepy Nick face cookies? Honestly they look like a care package your stalker would send you right before he kidnaps you and sends you lotion down in a basket.
- Danielle has the only appropriate reaction to this
ridiculousspontaneous meeting with his ex who happens to be sitting in a coffee shop in this Nick Loses At Life parade. She’s appropriately mortified for him but handles it like a champ. The girl lives with 14 of this guy’s current girlfriends has limits. Good to know. Why, under any circumstances would anyone want to invite their ex to tag along on a date?
- Nick: Why didn’t we last?
- Ex: You cried a lot and you generally suck as a human. But I think you’ll be perfect for someone else. He’s really quite a catch *cackles*.
- After staring sweetly into Danielle’s
boobseyes at some last minute concert, of course she gets the date rose because her boobseyes are amazing and she didn’t laugh out loud at the ex’s Nick recommendation. Good job, Danielle.
- First of all, why couldn’t the date card just say “everyone but Raven”? Let’s just drag this shit out by listing all the girlfriends but one. Totally makes more riveting television.
- Raven may be excited about winning the one on one date, but she already won just by not having to go on this travesty of a field trip. Nick didn’t grow up on a farm doing farmer things, so why in the hell is visiting a farm doing chores a good way to get closer to him? WHY?
- Nick can’t milk a cow so obviously he can’t please a woman. Good one, ABC. I mean I guess the cow is just lucky Nick didn’t yank on her tail like a lever to get the milk.
- While all the other girlfriends act like this is normal and super fun (they probably read “Gone Girl” to figure out how to be the perfect girlfriend), Corinne gives it her all for as long as she can, which is about 45 seconds, then peaces out. Corinne sums up this group outing in a way only Corinne can: Farm chores are stupid.
- Corinne: This is stupid. Raquel would never be forced to do farm chores like a peasant. Why do farms even exist?
- Corinne then develops some type of finger condition that only a nap and sushi can cure. I hate the girl, but damn is she relatable.
- The after party is as comfortable as a party can be when 15 of your girlfriends are there.
- Vanessa gives him a book that her students made (about her). Isn’t this a violation of child labor laws or teacher sacred oath or something?
- Getting to learn more about more about Kristina is very sweet. I think Nick is just as mesmerized by her slight Russian accent as he is by her boobs. She’s definitely safe for another week.
- The girlfriends decide this is the best time to talk to Corinne about her behavior. Her only take away from this personal attack on her character is that they’re all nap shamers who don’t care that she almost lost her fingers and couldn’t shovel poop.
- I don’t know in what history book she read that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln were devoted nappers but it seems legit. I mean, I can’t say she’s right, but I definitely can’t say she’s wrong. But, I’d model myself after these fine men.
- This date was specifically designed to give baby sister Viall cool points. Obvious ploy but good big brother move. Also, I’m pretty sure she’s way more mature than Nick. Raven is a good sport playing soccer with the girls while Nick and dad judge her.
- A roller rink date is the epitome of middle school dream boards, complete with Nick skating along with his arms outstretched. (Seriously. What is his damage?) Bella and Raven have mature bonding time over goals and intentions… and Nick…. Nick is rollerskating and pretending he’s trying out for the Olympic Men’s Skating Team or something. He’s such a treasure.
- Raven is so nice, she actually still wants to hang out with Nick after watching him roller skate. Or is contractually obligated. Either way, it’s nice. Her describing walking in on her ex cheating on her and beating him with the girl’s own stiletto has me conflicted. I mean, domestic violence is bad, but on the other hand… YASSSS!
- Of course she got the date rose and now she says she’s falling in love with. This isn’t how love works. It’s not.
- Corinne is tired of being picked on and decides the best way to prove she is a mentally stable and mature and smart is to threaten to punch Taylor in the face. Solid.