The Bachelor Week 3 Recap: Cheese Pasta & Bouncy Houses

This week, we see the fallout from Nick’s coat closet romp with Liz at Jade & Tanner’s wedding (God I hope that’s the last time I have to type or hear that). I actually can’t believe what a big freakin deal this is, but whatever. Anything for drama, right?

  • Nick, your flower tie is stupid. Is it a subtle reminder that you control who gets the roses? If so, it’s ugly, not subtle. Just fugly.
  • Nick is actually taking this harder than the women are. Dude YOU’RE the one who had sex at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (DAMMIT! Them again). Calm down.
  • The only one upset about this dumbass revelation is Corinne. She’s legit shocked that a 36 year old man (who’s been on several versions of The Bachelor, btw) has ever had sex. Okay, Corinne. Okay
  • After being devastated for like 45 seconds that Nick had sex with someone else before he even knew she existed (and isn’t actually married to) Corinne thinks whipped cream will get their budding romance and inevitable marriage back on track. Such a good plan, Corinne. So good.
  • Nick acting like a serious grown up and turning Corinne down (after he had some whipped cream of course- he’s still a gross dude). I don’t understand why any of these women would confide in any of the other women about their budding relationship (I use that term so loosely because this concept is so mind boggling to me) Corinne having to sad nap this rejection away is probably the most relatable she’s ever been.
  • Corinne sleeps through the Rose Ceremony and everyone is freaking out about it. I don’t see the big deal, but I guess the die-hard fans feel  this is important so Corinne is basically Satan for missing it.
    • Sidenote: “Move, bitches” is my mantra fighting traffic on my way to work. Good job, Alexis.
  • I still don’t understand all the tears over not getting a rose. YOU JUST MET HIM! (Yes, I will be screaming this throughout this entire season.)

GROUP DATE 1

  • Hanging out with the Backstreet Boys is actually making me jealous. I’d even go on a *gag* group date for that. LOLZ no I wouldn’t but still. Even if these girls don’t last, they already won.
  • Corinne saying she’s more excited to see Nick than the Backstreet Boys is just more proof that she’s psychotic.
    • She’s seriously upset about not being able to seduce him and the fact she can’t dance. These are her real problems, y’all. Planned dancing… do you mean CHOREOGRAPHY? Didn’t they teach words at Very Important Businesswomen School? She doesn’t have a nanny; Raquel is actually a nurse hired to monitor her 24/7. I’m convinced.
  • Making all the other girls watch from the side stage while Danielle L. and Nick slow dance make out is absolutely savage. I’m here for that. I think Corinne’s head is going to explode. I hope so anyway.
  • Corinne, you really don’t have a relationship… I don’t know if it’s her that can’t wrap her head around this concept, or me. Either way, she bugs me.
  • Actually no, she doesn’t. Corinne taking a nap during this date is probably the only decision she’s made that I can cosign. Dating is really exhausting, y’all.
  • I see why the producers want to keep this head case around; bitch is gold. Her saying she needs to prepare HER nanny for when SHE has kids basically short circuited all the other girls’ brains. Mine included and I already knew about the nanny.
  • What the hell is cheese pasta? Is it MACARONI?!
  • The girls are filled with questions about this nanny. Same, ladies. Same. “It makes her happy and I’m not going to deny the woman her happiness” ~ Corinne. K then…
  • Jasmine literally fell. Probably a delayed reaction to the big nanny revelation. I don’t blame her.

INDIVIDUAL DATE

  • Vanessa is actually very cute on this date. Like, her genuine excitement about the activity is adorable.
  • TBH this zero gravity date is cool AF, but I didn’t think about the nausea. How embarrassing.
  • Nick taking care of pukey Vanessa is the nicest I’ve ever seen him. I hate him a little bit less right now. Not much, but a little; it’s a start.
  • The bonding during this date… ugh. I don’t hate it. Well, the cheesy lines yea, but mostly I don’t hate it.
  • Does Nick cry a lot? I don’t know how I feel about this.
  • Including the puke portion of the date, it would be perfect if I didn’t remember there are like 20 women in a house waiting to pounce on him.

GROUP DATE 2

  • A track and field date? WTF? Hard pass.
  • Dominique is really annoying about wanting time with this hairy doofus. Stop whining already.
  • Alexis: “Nick’s always losing so I hope he actually wins at something this time.” “Move bitches, I’m coming through.” I love Dolphin Girl so much.
  • Astrid coming in 3rd but actually winning extra time with him is what ‘Merica is all about. Losers win shit. These girls definitely did not come to play.
  • Alexis is making out with Nick… on a giant poster… of Nick. Why is no one addressing this?! Like, where did it come from? Did she steal it from the track? Where was it all this time?
  • Dominique snapped under the pressure. Saw that one coming. Bye, Dominique. Wait, he’s just sending ladies home all willy nilly. Is this typical?

POOL PARTY

  • Corinne ruins the pool party. Shocker.
  • I have so many questions about this princess bouncy house. So many questions. WHERE DID IT COME FROM?! Did the nanny set it up? Is she actually a real life Dorota? I refuse to accept Corinne as Blair Waldorf.
  • “Fun is the foundation of any great relationship” as Nick grabs Corinne’s butt. Starting to reeeeally see why he keeps getting rejected. Idiot.
  • And now she’s off to nap again… I do admire her dedication to sleep.
  • “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions.” Vanessa is definitely too good for him.
  • “That was the worst party I’ve ever been to… bitches.” So many truth bombs today. But, really. She could’ve made the party a little more fun by rocking that shark suit again. Way to blow a great opportunity.
  • Why isn’t he more bothered by this whole “Corinne has a nanny” revelation? Dude, it’s disturbing.

Can we really stop with the “To Be Continued”? That shit is getting so annoying. Obviously it’s going to continue. Duh. We get it.

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