The Bachelor Week 2: Pour Me Some Wine

Yup. I’m still here. I’m in this now… for this season at least. Let’s get this started.

• All these women are just gushing about how wonderful Nick is. “”OMG HE’S SO WONDERFUL!” “He’s such great husband material.” Once, again, YOU JUST MET HIM! Why am I yelling at the TV? Only football and The Walking Dead bring out this kind of nonsense rage.
• Group date? A whole bunch of women on a date with one guy… Sounds horrific fun.
• Let just say (again) how much I love Dolphin Girl Alexis. She’s just rolling with all the weirdness. She’s definitely a better woman than me (not even judging her for signing up for this dumpster fire).
• I still say most of these girls are here for that fit tea. Nobody is that excited about Buicks.
• Wedding photos on a first date? Why not just tattoo “terminally single” on their forehead and send them on their way with a box filled with cats? The producers really hate Nick.
• I want to know where they found this wedding photographer. He takes bad taste to a level so low where I can only appreciate how gross he is. Because what girl doesn’t dream of a shotgun wedding theme? How spectacular and special. I’m not even dating but I want to book him ASAP.
  • Hmm how do we take the world’s crappiest and most awkwardly themed date up (or is it down?) a notch… Oh I know let’s make you, you, you and you hot mess brides and the rest of you will be BRIDESMAIDS! Is it wrong I’m kind of hoping these bitches riot? No, I don’t care if it’s wrong… I want these bitches to riot.
• Corinne: This is my dream wedding I’ve always wanted a wedding bikini. I’ll be the hottest psycho bride… He’s going to see what wifey material I am.
  • Photographer to other girl (already forgot her name): Here’s your underwear! You’re topless! Such a beautiful bride…Yay! Not uncomfortable at all…
  • Corinne’s face when she finds out there’s something less to wear than a bikini is worth putting myself through this. She’s kind of a horrible human. Her plan to be wife material is to have him hold her boobs. Solid.
• Drink up girls, that’s the only thing keeping you going at this point in the game.
• The girls stuck at home being fake nice to each other is basically every high school movie ever. I equal parts love and hate it. 
• A great drinking game would be to take a shot every time Liz talks about how she loves having this “mysterious secret” with Nick. Never mind, we’d all be hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. Home girl needs to STFU already. I give her like another 20 minutes before she explodes. Ha! Called it. She’s spilling her “mystery” all over Christen. She agrees: bitch is sketch AF. Kick her crazy ass out already, Nick. Please. I’m begging you.
• So the consensus is that everyone in the house hates Corinne. At least they haven’t pickled all their brain cells in rosé yet. Except Nick. Dumb As A Post Nick. Because boobs.
• Corinne is just not good at peopling. Didn’t they teach people skills at her Very Important Businesswoman School? She should’ve brought her nanny with her. 
• She’s actually interrupted almost every one on one time (barf on that by the way) but says “re-interrupting”  is classless. Huh?
• Am I the only one completely grossed out by all the making out? I hope they gargle with Purell or Clorox. Alcohol can’t kill all the germs. *shudder*
• These group dates actually hurt my soul. MUSEUM OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS?! ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME?! Is that even a real thing? *Googles it* It’s real. The layers of disturbing that make up this show are endless. 
• So all the breakup skits are weird cute, but of course Stalker Liz has to just make it weird weird and talk about her one night stand issues. Stupid, crazy buzzkill.
• Oh Nick… I’m pretty sure most of the girls were aware you’re kind of a slut. They’ve seen you on this show before. 
• Liz trying to work her way out of her sketchy skit makes my head to swirly with rage. *flashes back to presidential debates* **cries** In the first moment of non-boob motivated decisions, he sends her off. BYEEEEE

I’m still not sure if I’m hate watching or guilty pleasure watching this show. Probably both. On to Week 3!! I will catch up on this glitter filled dumpster fire of a show. I’m in this now. Whether I like it or not.

I. AM. IN. THIS.