The Bachelor Week 5: Love and Gators

And the Taylor/Corinne Fight Club continues… DUN DUN DUNN

  • Taylor: You’re stupid
  • Corinne: Are you calling me stupid?
  • Taylor: Nooooooooo
  • Surprisingly Corinne isn’t flipping completely out. But what is being here “for the right reasons”? I don’t even know what that means on this show.  I actually hate that I’m rooting for Corinne right now. This show makes me hate myself on whole new levels. 
  • Obviously Corinne needs to let Nick know that one of his harem is a traitor. Good little soldier. Good, drunk little soldier. I mean, Corinne has been waiting for this moment since Taylor forgot her manners Week 1 or 2.

Rose Ceremony

  • Literally in a barn. I mean I get they’re trying to keep that Milwaukee theme but seriously. A barn?!
  • ABC couldn’t even spring for some space heaters. Jerks. You can see the girlfriends’ breath in the air. Poor things. Too drunk to keep their eyes 100% open; not drunk enough to succumb to the hypothermia. I hate that.
  • Nick’s suit isn’t atrocious but why TF does he get to cover up in the cold and all his lady friends have to suffer frostbite? F*CK THE PATRIARCHY! 
  • Sara and Astrid are left rose-less on the curb and it’s fine because who remembered they were even still there?

New Orleans

  • Next stop, New Orleans… so much better than Milwaukee. But really, what isn’t better than Milwaukee? (I’ve never actually been, but let me know.)
  • Alexis’ southern accent is all a part of why I want her to be my best friend.
    • Alexis: I like gators, grits and a goooood time!
  • Nick’s voiceover about how Louisiana is the perfect place to fall in love. eye roll*Umm okay. Because nothing says romance like swampland, voodoo and gators. Swoon.
  • The fake excitement over a sharing a hotel room with 13 girls is admirable. YOU GET A FIT TEA ENDORSEMENT AND YOU GET A FIT TEA ENDORSEMENT!

One On One Date

  • Rachel gets the one on one date and Taylor is immediately salty. I hope she gets peer counseled by her fellow mental health counselors when she gets home. I don’t know if she needs someone to talk to or is just annoying on a whole other level. 
  • Right off the bat, Rachel is too good for Nick. And yes, I am going to say that about every seemingly good woman on this show until he’s all alone. Get over it.
  • They’re just skipping down Bourbon St. and she is totally Princess Tiana. Too bad Nick is just a plain old frog.

    Why do you suck, Nick?
  • These random concerts are definitely played out. Stop it, ABC. Just stop. You’re ruining good music for me.
  • Dinner in the creepy float cemetery is actually cool.
    • Nick: I keep asking parents permission for their daughter’s hand in marriage. Will this be a problem with your dad?
    • Rachel: No. They’ll hate you no matter what.
  • Ugh, could she be any more adorable? I don’t even care that she’s on this show. I adore her. Leave now, Rachel. Leave NOW.

Group Date

  • Corinne and Taylor are going on the 2 on 1 date, so they get to sharpen their claws while the other girlfriends go on a cool ghoul date.
  • This group date at the haunted house would be 10/10 way more fun without Nick around.
  • The caretaker is named Boo and he serves the group mint juleps. I’m sorry, but could this get any more precious?
  • So the little girl ghost named May is going to terrorize them tonight. This isn’t much scarier than my high school babysitting days. Kids are terrors, even in the afterlife. True story.

    Boo: Don’t touch May’s doll
    Also Boo:
  • Jaimi: I don’t believe in ghosts, but I respect them.
    • Okay
  • Ouija boards are not to mess with. I’m just going to say that right freaking now. Dumbasses.
  • Also, what kind of “caretaker” gives people a tour, tells everyone not to touch anything and then leaves them all to TOUCH EVERYTHING?! Shenanigans.
  • Back at the hotel, Corinne and Taylor are preparing for their swamp face-off in their own special way. Corinne taking a bubble bath and drinking champagne while saying Taylor is too high-maintenance is just so Corinne.
  • Corinne: Taylor might be smart, but there are other ways to be intelligency. (She actually says intelligency. Not kidding.)
  • Danielle L: I think I’m falling in love with you

(NOOOOOOOOOOO, DANIELLE! NOOOOOOOOO)

  • Nick:Websters Dictionary defines love as….

Nick sucks. I cannot and will not emphasize this enough.

  • Nick: Absence makes the heart grow stronger

THAT IS NOT HOW THE SAYING GOES! YOU GIGANTIC TOOL BAG. 

  • Honestly, the girls hanging out together seems more appealing than hanging out with Nick. Him and all his emotions annoy TF out of me. I’m not even kidding. This group date would be so much more fun without the date part of the whole thing. Why couldn’t they just hang out with ghost May and caretaker Boo all night?
  • The slurping kissy kissy sounds will never not make my gag reflex activate. I hope they all have plenty of Listerine on hand.
  • Raven: I love you
  • Nick: Thank you

Solid.

  • A rose in a glass case? HOW DARE THEY MAKE A MOCKERY OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST! BLASPHEMY!

Two on One Date

  • Every time I ask what kind of date could be more hellish on this show, ABC has an answer. This week, it’s a two on one date. F*CK THAT. 
  • Rachel (God bless this princess) has some solid advice: Don’t feed each other to gators.
  • On what planet is taking the leaders of The Bachelor Passive Aggressive Fight Club out into a gator filled swamp to visit a voodoo priestess a good idea?! Tell me. I’ll wait. 
  • During the reading, the priestess tells the trio that the energy is tense. There are two women on a date with one guy. FUCKING DUH IT’S TENSE.
  • Because the energy is so “tense” (FUCKING DUH), the priestess is reading them one at a time. So while Taylor is getting her reading about all the negative energy around her, Corinne is telling Nick about how she was emotionally attacked and bullied. LULZ
    • Corinne: She said I was stupid and don’t know what emotional intelligence is! I don’t even know what that means!!
    • Nick: That’s horrible. Let’s make out. 
  • And now while Nick is asking Taylor why he attacked Corinne, she’s asking the priestess for a voodoo doll. Can this get any more ridiculous? (I only ask because I know it will.)
    • Nick: Did you call Corinne stupid?
    • Taylor: Yes, but I didn’t think she understood me.
    • Nick: That’s fair.
  • Where did Corinne’s voodoo doll go? Did the priestess also give her the pin cushions? Mind thoroughly boggled.
  • Taylor: You are a stupid weaselly liar.
  • Corinne: I cannot believe you are a mental health counselor.

You and all of us, Corinne. I truly hate that I am on her side, but at this point, it’s who you dislike least. 

  • I mean, yeah he chose Corinne, but leaving Taylor alone in the swamp is pretty harsh.
  • She’s actually ranting about how he chose wrong. She’s kind of making me nervous. 

Sidenote: Alexis’ (Dolphin Girl) fear of Nic Cage is so random and actually a fear I never realized that I myself have as well. I would also prefer to see vengeful ghost May than a real life Nic Cage. Good call.

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