The Bachelor Week 6 Recap: Meltdown on The Islands

The Bachelor Week 6… God bless Hulu for the catch up!

Two On One Date

  • Taylor is not going quietly. HAHAHAHAHA And all this time, I thought Corinne would be the one to boil Nick’s bunny. Totally called that one wrong.
  • She strolls right into Nick and Corinne’s dinner and calls Corinne a liar and I can’t stop laughing at this. A roll of thunder right when the door flies open would’ve made this little entrance just top notch.
  • Taylor to Nick: I just had to come back and say you’re stupid. You’re thinking with your dick.
  • Nick: I’m sorry, but my dick has already decided. Good day. I said good day.
  • Nick: I’m just following my heart

YOU’RE SAYING “DICK”WRONG!

  • Meanwhile Corinne is having a full on conversation with her other personalities and talking herself into an all out frenzy. Maybe it’s a Raquel hallucination she’s having? Who knows at this point.
  • If Corinne knew how to dance, she would totally be doing a victory dance right now. Bye Taylor. Right now Corinne’s main redeemable quality is her soundbite game. “Cats have nine lives, but bitches have two.” I’m laughing way too hard at this and I don’t know why.

    Why is this funny?

Cocktail Party Rose Ceremony

  • This is a definite upgrade from the barn. I hope it’s haunted.
  • COCKTAIL PARTY TIME! Or is it?
    • Chris: Nick is all up in his feels tonight and doesn’t feel like having a party.
    • Girls: It’s his party and he’ll cry if he wants to.

IS THIS NORMAL BACHELOR BEHAVIOR? SOMEONE PLEASE ENLIGHTEN ME!

  • The final rose goes to Whitney. I honestly do not remember her at all. And why does host Chris just pop up randomly? Is this a contractual thing?
  • Alexis and two other girls I don’t even care about are going home and I am legit upset. Of course I know Alexis is too good for him, but she’s the only funny girl who’s funny for the sake of being funny and not offensive. And she only got to wear her shark dolphin costume ONCE! C’MON MAN! WHAT’S THE POINT OF GOING ON?!

    I’ll miss you most
  • The mood sure changes fast when Nick tells them all they’re going to St. Thomas. Can y’all stick with an emotion for at least 45 seconds please? Thanks.

St. Thomas

  • The more one on one time Nick has with the camera, the more I want to punch him in his squinty face. His stupid, squinty, cheesy face.
  • All right; I get the girlfriends’ excitement over this hotel. It’s freakin’ beautiful even if it’s being shared by 9 women.
  • Jasmine won’t stop complaining about not having had any one on one time with Nick which I guess is justifiable since she doesn’t know how lucky she is that she hasn’t spent any one on one time with him because she hasn’t spent any time with him. You follow?
  • Nick is awkwardly hugging his 9 girlfriends and saying something that might actually mean something but I can’t get passed his pastel short shorts. It’s like someone cut up the ‘Golden Girls’ couch to make these shorts

    Even they can’t look at him

One on One Date

  • Kristina gets the one on one date and Jasmine breaks down in tears. This girl isn’t going to make it.
  • All the girlfriends are great at faking the enthusiasm for Nick and Kristina flying off in their seaplane except Jasmine. She just cries and cries. Girl, get a grip. Damn. I mean, Nick makes me want to cry too, but I’m sure it’s for different reasons. 
  • Nick is trying to comfort Kristina about the turbulence but he looks about ready to cry. Wuss.
  • This date is basically making out and looking at the island. Fun.
  • Kristina doesn’t really believe in small talk and jumps right in giving her story. She is definitely deep waters. Ugh. Leave, Kristina. You’re too good for him!
  • She’s truly an interesting woman. She was put in an orphanage at 5 or 6 by her mom for eating lipstick because she was hungry. She was finally adopted at 12 yrs old and came to America. She’s 100% too good for Nick. 
  • Also, why did anyone let her sign up for this show? Hasn’t she been through enough?!
  • Nick comparing his relationship with 9 different women to her having to leave her home in Russia makes me want to vomit all over his stupid shoes. Also… YOU DON’T WEAR WHITE SOCKS WITH BLACK SHOES, YOU F*CKING NERD! 

Hotel

  • They get a “house mom” and I have yet to see Corinne look at Nick as lovingly as she does Lorna, the St. Thomas Raquel. I hope Lorna knows how to make cheese pasta and slice cucumbers. 
  • Jasmine finds out she doesn’t get the 2 on 1 date and freaks out a little. Danielle M. finds out she does get the 2 on 1 date and freaks out a little. I am confused, but okay. Is this date a good thing or not? You know what? Whatever.

Group Date

  • This group date is a beach day. Six girls in bikinis with alcohol vying for one man. No drama here. 
  • Nick’s drunk dinosaur impression gives me yet more insight as to why he’s a Bachelor veteran.

    What. In. The. Hell. is this?!
  • During volleyball, pretty much all the girls simultaneously melt down over the realization they’re competing over this drunk dinosaur. I’d cry too, honestly. Like what am I doing with my life?
  • Nick is crying because his “relaxing” day at the beach didn’t go as planned. Bruh, you have six girlfriends trying to talk to you. What the hell did you expect?
  • During the group dinner/interview/one on one combo part of the date, Rachel is definitely the most level headed and tells Nick straight out that the whole situation sucks. Admiration for her honesty, but isn’t this what the show is? A whole sucky situation? Help me out here.
  • Pretty much all the women who talk to Nick tell him that they’re stressed out and he sucks for doing this to them. Once again, I’m confused. I know I haven’t seen this show before, but haven’t they? They signed up for this dumpster fire.
  • Meanwhile, Jasmine is flipping the f*ck out because she still hasn’t talked to Nick or gone on an individual date or whatever.
    • Jasmine: I like him so much I want to punch him in the face.
    • Everyone else: I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. Is this kindergarten?
    • Jasmine to camera: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it, people like me.
    • Jasmine to Nick: WHY DON’T YOU LIKE ME?! 
  • She’s scaring the other girls. Legit. Corinne looks like she’s ready to call Island Raquel for protection.
  • So much alcohol and feelings.  Ugh. I’m breaking out in hives.
  • Jasmine is finally talking to Nick and it’s just as horrifying and hilarious as I expected.
    …but in a loving way
    • Jasmine: I really like you. Can I choke you?
    • Nick: You should probably go home now.

Two On One Date

  • Danielle, Whitney and Nick take a helicopter to some beach side futon thing so he can dump someone. So cute. So. romantic. Puke.
  • It just baffles me how every single woman is questioning the seriousness of their relationship. GIRL, HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH 9 WOMEN! How serious do you think this is?!
    • Whitney: I could really love you.
    • Nick: Love is an emotion that is more than like and opposite of hate…
    • Nick: It was nice meeting you and we’ll send the helicopter back to take you home. 
  • Nick and Danielle strolling an old prison… is this some kind of metaphor for relationships or something?
  • OHMYGAWD THEIR CONVERSATION IS SO BORING!! It’s like eavesdropping on someone reading their grocery list out loud but without the exciting plot twists.
    • Nick: What do you look for in a relationship?
    • Danielle L: Trust and …
    • Nick: Wrong.
    • Danielle L: I think I’m falling in love with you.
    • Nick: You want the rose? You want the rose? Sorry, you’re not getting the rose.

Nick is literally waving the rose in front of her face and tells her she can’t have it.  And he’s actually more upset about this than she is. What is even happening?

  • What kind of fool goes running to another woman, much less a bunch of other women to cry about the one he just broke up with? Again, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?

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