So I’ve been M.I.A. for a while. Sorry about that. I got tired. For those that have followed the past Chronicles, y’all know what that means. But if you don’t or don’t remember, that’s my depression. Rarely do I feel the sad feels, I’m just tired. And for the past few months, I have been exhausted. It will take all my energy to get through the day. It’s something too many people don’t understand. I’m not trying to be a lazy ass. I literally just do not have energy.
Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to wake up on a beautiful Saturday morning and think “This is the day! Shit is getting done today! I feel amazing!” and then feel too tired to even get the coffeemaker going? Do you know how embarrassing it is to beg out of plans you made with the people most important to you that you were genuinely excited for and could not wait? Just because you’re tired to the freakin soul?! No? Well I’ll tell you. IT DOESN’T FEEL GOOD. Like, excuse me while I let my entire life fall apart so I can take a nap… because I NEED a nap. That is how it feels and I can’t stop it from happening.
If you ask people around me, I don’t “act depressed”. Whatever the fuck that means. Actually I know what that means. I’m a fairly happy, sarcastic individual. But when I’m not really feeling like me, a day of being me out in public requires like I don’t know… may 3 or 4 days of naps. Y’allI don’t see that part of me. I know I don’t seem like the stereotypical definition of an individual living with depression. So just trust me; it’s there. I hate it, but it’s there. I laugh and joke and commit the usual daily self-humiliations… I’m still me… but it’s there with me. Such an asshole.
I have just enough (usually not though) energy to get the basics of my life accomplished. I go to work. I make feed my child. I walk the doggos. I force myself to shower. But other than that, I turn into a useless human. I’m a rotten daughter. I’m a terrible friend. I’m a sucky cousin. I’m a horrible niece. Any life title you can give me, I’m just no good at. For that, I’m sorry. I love everyone in my life even if I flake out on plans or don’t answer calls or texts.
I know it will pass. Even when it doesn’t feel like it will, it will. I just force myself to repeat it over and over and pray on it. This has happened before and unfortunately it probably will again, but it will always pass. When it does, being me won’t be so exhausting… other than the exhaustion of being amazing (kidding). I lose myself in my own head, but I always have faith that I’ll find my way again.