Calm Down, October

I want to know who triple dog dared October. I thought we all had a pact to stop tempting 2020 and now I need to know who broke that pact. WE HAD A DEAL! Now, I tried to do monthly recaps when this year started… but it truly bummed me out and I just could not go through with it. But right now, we are only ONE. WEEK. IN. Bananas.

October 1st

• We’re all still wondering what the f**k that televised man-baby showdown was. The Debate Commission can’t apologize enough for what happened (as if they could’ve stopped it). They’re so apologetic, they want the ability to cut the mic off when they have to. You know how we sometimes wonder out loud why we have warnings on our hair dryer to not try to use in water? I feel like Trump is the reason.
• Added debate fallout: Junior Senator, Tim Scott says Trump “misspoke” when he told the Neo-facsist group, Proud Boys to stand by. Sure, dude. That’s a helluva thing to misspeak, but sure. *wink*
• Texas Governor Abbott really is really digging this voter suppression trend and puts major restrictions on ballot drop off locations.
• White House Advisor and head cheerleader, Hope Hicks tests positive for Coronavirus – you know where this is going. Not a spoiler.
• And, in just plain devastating news that also seems par for 2020, my imaginary best friends and favorite couple Chrissy Teigen and John Legend lose their baby boy after she was hospitalized for excessive bleeding.

This is only the first day of the month.

October 2nd 

• In New York, someone dared attack national treasure Rick Moranis. Spaceballs is already queued up in my Amazon Prime account. Get well soon, Dark Helmet.
• Trump announced, via Twitter naturally, that he and Melania have tested positive for Covid-19. Call me psychic, but after seeing months of him & his homies “poo pooing” all things science, I gotta say that I totally saw this coming.
• Speaking of homies, Kellyanne Conway also announces she has tested Covid positive. Shocking. Absolutely shocking. Spoiler alert: it’s just the beginning of the White House Corona Chronicles.
• Oh Kelly A! How kind of you to alert the public to your Covid positive status. Definitely the moral and ethical thing to do… but wait…what’s this? It’s actually her 15 year old daughter who let the world know Kellyanne was walking around coughing for days before she told anyone she had tested positive. Pretty sure little Claudia Conway is up for a Pulitzer Prize now. Sounds about right.

October 3rd

• The virus known as Covid continues to take down Trump’s gang: his campaign manager has now tested positive.
• Chris Christie is on his way to the hospital after is own positive results.
• Trump’s doctor gives a wildly confusing report on our fearless leader’s health. Wildly confusing is most certainly not unexpected when it pertains to anything White House related. Also, I won’t lie: I am incredibly jealous of his access to world renowned medical attention via socialized healthcare while the rest of us plebs are left to financial ruin should we recover or die from any sickness… incredibly jealous.
• In related news, Trump and is team voice their disappointment at the lack of empathy coming from the public. Happy Mean Girls Day!

  

October 4th

Just FYI: this whole day is Donald related because it was a wild day in Donnie land

• Trump’s medical team tells us he’s doing great. They also say the next 48 hours are critical. Umm okay.
• He’s also given a second dose of Remdesivir, an experimental drug currently being used for the more severe cases. But he’s fine. Everything is fine. Everything is so fine, they’re letting a patient who’s supposed to be in quarantine hang out in their hospital’s conference room posing for photos. Totally fine.
• Apparently the drugs aren’t enough and what the President really. needs is an impromptu drive by to wave at his adoring fans. Yes, the leader of our country, who is infected with an incredibly contagious and potentially deadly virus, decided sitting in an enclosed space with several employees is the perfect remedy for what ails him. The need for shallow adulation is insatiable.
• Oops! I forgot to mention his doctor accidentally let it slip he’s been Covid positive longer than he let on. Meaning, Trump was likely already positive at several events where they all disregarded any Coronavirus protocol and that train wreck debate.

Let me remind you that we are only 4 days into October.

October 5th

• And now press secretary Kayleigh McEnany has tested positive for Covid-19. I wonder if anything in those binders of hers can fix this.
• Trump announces he’s leaving the hospital. The doctors at Walter Reed are both baffled and alarmed. But it’s fine. Totally fine. He knows what he’s doing.
• Michigan is rioting right now. More racial injustice? No it’s worse. Mask rights.
• And, just because it makes me smile: gay men have taken over “#ProudBoys” on Twitter. Stick that in your juice box and suck it, Neo-fascist racist IDIOTS!

October 6th

• Since all 2020 has done is take, take take; musical genius Eddie Van Halen succumbs to his battle with cancer. There really aren’t enough middle fingers in the world to emphasize how much I hate this year.
• Trump tweets that he’s ending any stimulus talks until after he wins the election, essentially announcing a nationwide hostage situation. Blackmail? I think it’s blackmail. Cool cool.
• POTUS also compares Coronavirus to the flu because of course he does. Cue the social media comment wars.
• Russia is the new Marcia again because the DNI declassified CIA notes from the 2016 election. RUSSIA! RUSSIA! RUSSIA!
• In somewhat good news, Facebook finally bans QAnon and essentially makes all their conspiracy theory wet dreams come true. See? A little bit of win/win for us.
• A watchdog investigation reveals Jeff Sessions was not only cool with taking children away from immigrants seeking asylum, he cheered for it. I knew that evil monkey vibe he has going wasn’t just a look. It’s fact.

October 7th

• Our fearless leader seems to forget he doesn’t want to talk stimulus anymore and tells the Senate to get off their ass and send out some checks. Doctors seem to be blaming the drugs. I guess they haven’t been reading his tweets for the past four years. This is the new normal for us hostages.
• We’re still talking about collusion. In case y’all forgot since the 6th.
• The White House Covid rampage isn’t over yet. Top aide Stephen Miller is now positive. Doesn’t matter.POTUS still refuses to wear his mask and if his weird Evita balcony performance is any indication of how it’s going in that virus stew, there’s more positive swabs TBA. While my empathy for his enablers and brain dead sycophants is virtually non-existent, I do feel for the staff who have no choice: the maids, the cooks, the Secret Service… everyone in his employ is at risk.
• The potential Vice Presidents debate. It’s mostly a condescending man interrupting all the women but it doesn’t matter; I want to know what the fly has to say.

October 8th

• Due to health concerns, CPD thinks a virtual presidential debate is best for Round Two. Trump is not happy with the fact they can shut his mic off and says no. He’s taking his ball and going home! Actually he’s taking his toys to where he’s already adored and holding rallies. A logical thing to do, being an active germ monkey and all. Reminder: HE’S STILL COVID POSITIVE! uuuugh. I cannot stress my UGH enough.
• Six people are arrested and charged in a plot to kidnap the Michigan governor. Plotting to kidnap your state leader is a very logical response to her wanting everyone to wear a mask.

It’s important to note that we’re barely 8 days into October, y’all. On the plus side, this steaming turd of a year only has 84 days left. I can’t wait to see what’s next!