Attempting to Adult,  The Really Real World

Real Sh*tty Dates (This Time It’s Not Me)

This week I voluntarily relinquish my Bad Date Champ belt to someone else. Or maybe two someones. I honestly don’t know which one of them has earned it more.

This is a date so sh*tty that a GoFundMe account was started to recoup the $300 in damages. Have you ever had a date so bad, you end up needing to be saved by first responders because you got stuck in a window trying to retrieve bodily functions? No? You loser. Let me start at the beginning of where a good date made a hard left. Let us investigate.

After a (presumably) nice dinner, the Tinder match went back to his place. All signs point to a good time, right? Wait for it. While at his place, she felt the urge to poop. During an already awkward bathroom visit (girls don’t poop after all), she realized her date’s toilet was stopped up. So, she did what any reasonable person would do in that situation. She scooped it up, wrapped it in toilet paper and chucked it out the window and into the garden. You know, normal stuff. But apparently she felt so bad about this insane perfectly normal response and confessed to her date.  What she didn’t know was that his window didn’t actually lead into the garden, but there was some odd gap and that’s actually where her poo landed. I don’t know who’s house is built like that, but that is some rotten ass luck. Anyway, her date, who seemingly accepted her crazy for what it was, and let her take lead on a plan to retrieve the poo. Being an amateur gymnast, she decided she could maneuver her way between the space and grab it (I think with a glove or something.. God I hope so). Let’s pause a minute to hate on the skinny bitch who is confident in her ability to fit in a foot wide space. Okay where are we? Of course this first date hasn’t gone wrong enough because she ends up getting stuck, UPSIDE DOWN in the in-between. Mind you, this poop retrieval plan was hers. She voluntarily wriggled headfirst in between windows and walls to grab her wrapped up poop. After (justifiably) becoming concerned for her well-being, he calls the fire department to help get her out. I mean, I would have been incredibly concerned at the “I tossed my turd out your window”, but clearly he’s got a different rating system than I do. So anyway the fire department shows up to rescue the girl and ends up having to break the window to free her.

Aaaaand that is how we get to the GoFundMe. This guy has a great sense of humor about this whole ordeal. I mean what can you do but laugh when your date gets stuck upside down when trying to be her own human pooper scooper? AMIRIGHT?!

I don’t know if there’s going to be a second date for these two, but he definitely wins either way. If these crazy kids make it, their “how we met” story is AHHHHMAZING. If they don’t, he has the best bad date story in the history of bad date stories.

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