Attempting to Adult

Online Dating: At Least I Don’t Have To Leave My House

So I’ve been gone a minute (again), but now I’m back (again)  and as apology for my absence, I thought I would share some more tragic “life of me” stories for you to laugh at. You’re welcome.

I made it a personal mission to put actual effort into dating. Ugh – I know, right? Online dating seems the best way to do this thing. I figured I would have a couple dates and share the hilarity or possible budding romance with you. (who am I kidding though? Let the tragic hilarity ensue.)

So, during my one month attempt at this online thing, I never actually made it to a date. Never made it passed the messaging phase. Let me tell you why! (names have been changed to protect what’s left of my dignity)

1st Right Swipe

We’ll call this guy Todd. TMI Todd. Almost right after “introducing ourselves”, Todd said he was an open book. He meant it. Too open. Like the whole book is on the back cover type open. TMI basically starts off by telling me about his crazy ex. I mean she was nuts. She completely lost her mind when he cheated and possibly brought home a little chlamydia. In his own words “she acted like these things don’t sometimes happen.” Dude, these things DON’T sometimes happen. Or maybe I’ve been single too long? IS THIS REALLY A THING NOW?! We never set up that date.  Pretty sure his personal strain of chlamydia is airborne or something.

Swipe #2

I like the name Needy Ned for this one. To be perfectly honest, I was more smitten with the dog in his profile picture. Naturally I asked about this little fluff nugget as soon as I could. Photo prop pup wasn’t even his! I get this crazy long story about how much Ned loves dogs and he loved his ex-girlfriend’s so much that when they broke up and she moved out here, he followed her… FROM FLORIDA! Not to follow the ex – because that would just be nuts. But to follow the dog. Came across the country with no job plan, no home, no family… all for a dog that’s not even yours. Yea, that’s normal. I’m politely declined to take this fascinating conversation from dating app to phone text. Nope. NOT TODAY, CREEPY, CLINGY SATAN!

Swiper Swiped 3 Times

Because I’m either stupid or optimistic (both?) I swiped and messaged another match… Filbert. Filbert’s profile mentioned he’s been divorced a while. Well, whatever, right? Divorce happens. Within a few days, Filbert lets me know he’s not quite divorced, but rather separated. I do have issue with this because his ass is still married. No thanks. Filbert tries to explain himself and makes it so much worse. They’re just sorting out properties and stuff *cough*lies*cough* but this divorce is years coming. *cough*sure buddy*cough* But it’s true! He’s actually planning on moving out of their house soon and everything! THEY STILL LIVE TOGETHER!

Let’s recap this disaster of a right swipe:

  1. NOT divorced
  2. NOT separated
  3. NOT living apart

I call this human stale rat turd Filbert because Filbert is one of the dumbest names I could think of and he’s dumber than Dirty Penis guy and the Dog Stalker. I HOPE YOUR WIFE FINDS YOUR DATING PROFILE, FILBERT!

Swipe #4

Yeah right. You think I’d try again after this streaking dumpster fire experiment? I’m out, bro. PEACE. At least I didn’t lose out on quality hermit time. I can find the stale ham sandwiches disguised as humans from the comfort of my own home. Don’t even have to waste good makeup to do it. Silver linings, folks. Silver linings.





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