Nothing|Everything: Chronicles of Anxiety
Depression’s best friend is anxiety. Nothing gives me anxiety. Everything gives me anxiety.
What’s giving you anxiety?
I get this question A LOT. But my answer is usually the same. “Nothing.” I’m not lying and it’s nothing I can pinpoint. Other times it’s everything. Nothing is overwhelming but then everything is overwhelming. I can be worried about where the money is going to come from to pay the electric bill and I’m fine. I can stress about my nearly empty gas tank and it’s okay. But, if the WiFi goes down or I run out of water in my water bottle, I may very well fall apart into an anxiety puddle on the floor. Admittedly, it’s ridiculous and I don’t know why I’m like this. I just know I AM like this and it sucks.
This is my life with general anxiety. I really don’t know what will send me into a panic. Nothing really does. Stress is a normal part of my life. And then everything does because I’m too f*cking stressed. Over what? I wish I knew so I could fix it. Because this absolutely sucks.
My anxiety is not (usually) the dramatic bits you see on TV or in movies or read about in others’ articles about trying to live with anxiety. I can typically function through it. I don’t have much choice. There’s bills to pay and a life to try to live. But just because I function with it, doesn’t mean my anxiety is not affecting me. At the office, I can spend hours mentally convincing myself it’s not a heart attack while working on whatever task at hand. While at the movies with The Boy, I have to have inner talks reassuring myself that the theater is NOT over crowded and there is plenty of oxygen for everyone here.
Let me tell you what these all day inner arguments and pep talks are like – F*CKING EXHAUSTING! My brain is tired, my body is tired and every atom that makes me up is tired. Being “normal” is trying. Not freaking out truly testing me at times.
Just Be Okay With Me
I can get through the day – I do get through the day; and it takes every bit of me to do it. My brain is in constant overdrive with nonsense and it won’t let me sleep no matter how exhausted I am from being in constant mental overdrive.
Anxiety isn’t always what you think it is. You don’t have to understand it to be empathetic to those living with this frustration. All I ask of anyone in my orbit is that you be okay with me because nothing|everything is giving me anxiety.
I may look like I have it together, but it’s a big old mess in here.