The Bachelor Week 9: It’s Getting Real

When we last left ‘The Bachelor’, some mystery woman was knocking on his hotel door. Then ABC pulled that “To Be Continued” crap like the viewers are too stupid to catch on to the fact that the show, in fact, is TO BE CONTINUED. 

Knock Knock

• So this woman meeting with Nick is Andi, one of the many other women who broke his heart, “Bachelor(ette)” franchise style. Apparently she even wrote a book about it. You’re cold, woman. So glad you’re here.
• I guess ABC brought her here to make more drama since he’s both a butthead and boring. This guy is definitely a multi-tasker.
• Nick is super excited to offer her a drink so he can show off his glass holding skills (thanks again Mr. Corinne). 
  • Andi: So how ya been since I shattered your heart into itty bitty pieces?
  • Nick: Doing good. ABC wants to see how many times I can be nationally humiliated and heartbroken so I’ve got that going for me. I’m so ready to fall in love and get married like… I might not even say “I love you” ever again OR get married. 

You make so much sense right now, it’s totally hot.

• The next level of this show is the sex room… oh I’m sorry…Fantasy Suite. Tomato, tomahto. Andi feels it’s her duty to ask him if he’ll be sexing any of the remaining girlfriends or all of them because that’s what exes with a bad history chat about with each other.
• Andi is giving him sage advice right now and I’m so uncomfortable with this conversation. Exes don’t do this… even TV exes.

Rose Ceremony

• All the girlfriends are telling the camera how nervous they are. Like they’re either upset they told him they loved him or upset they didn’t tell him. Honestly, anything you’ve said to this guy up to this point is a mistake, including ‘hello’. He’s just the worst. 
• All four of them have said some type of  version of how surprised they are by their feelings for him. Honestly I’m surprised too because he sucks so hard. And I’m also surprised that they’re surprised because THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS!! And no, I won’t stop saying this because their words are dumb and they’re too good for this guy. Yes, even Corinne. She’s a nut but she’s a delightful nut.

  

• I can’t get over the creep factor how Chris pops up during every final rose giveaway or whatever you want to call it. Why?
• Vanessa gets the final rose and Corinne is sent home. There goes the Nap Queen gif machine. She’s crying and apologizing to him and I want to shake her because she should never apologized for being fucking fabulous. Nick just sucks. If it helps girl, write a pro/con list regarding his qualities. I think you’ll find I am overwhelmingly correct about this.
• In the car ride home, she has some sort of epiphany:
  • Corinne: Fuck being nice to men. THEY SHOULD BE NICE TO ME!

God bless this woman. *clapping hands emoji*

• I hope he returns that $3000 sweatsuit. He’s so unworthy.

  

Finnish Fantasy

• Nick keeps saying he’s following his heart, and I don’t know why nobody tells him he’s saying “penis” wrong. Because let’s face it…. yeah.
  • Nick: This is the most northern place I’ve ever been.

What a freaking random thing to say.

• His first individual date is with Raven. She’s nervous about telling Nick how she feels about him and I’m yelling at the TV that that’s definitely a sign she doesn’t actually feel that way, but whatever. She’s also telling cameras she’s never said “I love you” before. Wait, she was in a committed relationship for a couple years and beat her cheating ex with a stiletto. I’m pretty sure love factored into this at least a little bit. I’m calling bullshit on this one. 
• Also… what in unholy hell is Nick wearing?I mean I get Finland must be cold, but that’s no excuse to wear what’s basically a knit condom. His turtleneck is threatening to swallow his face. Kind of rooting for the knit condom right now.

  

• In talking about Raven, Nick actually calls her a perfect combination of salty and sweet. Dude, you’re talking about a human, not fucking trail mix. You monumental moron. NO WOMAN WANTS TO BE COMPARED TO TRAIL MIX. No wonder you’ve been dumped so much. Instead of being the Bachelor you probably should’ve asked Hitch for some lessons.
• Talking about families and being close to families and important issues like iron vs. steamer is making my brain numb.
  • Raven: Why do you think you don’t want to date women that are like your mom?
  • Nick: Because that’s fucking weird.

Agreed, Nick. Agreed.

• So Raven has only had sex with one person and that was also her last long term relationship…only relationship? I don’t remember. I tune her out too sometimes. But I’m definitely going to say that your next intimate partner definitely shouldn’t be a guy who’s definitely probably going to have sex with 2 other women the same week. But that’s just me.
• At dinner, Raven is trying to have some sort of deep feelings talk with Nick but poor thing is just not good at using words and stuff and it’s just confusing. 
• Nick just said “I’m getting choked up” and wine came out of my nose because his turtleneck looks like it’s literally choking him. Amazing. Also, thanks for making me as classy as you are, you asshole.

  

• Raven says she loves him, so naturally he doesn’t say anything and just kisses her. Classic Nick move. Then he thanks her. I dislike him more by the minute. 
• Like 2 minutes after she says she has only been with one person sexually and how seriously she takes sex, she agrees to go to the fantasy suite with Nick. And because she wants to make Nick feel uncomfortable, she lets him know she’s never had an orgasm before. No pressure there, Nick. Also, that’s a pretty brutal thing to say about your ex on national television. I love it HAHAHAHAHAHA