The Bachelor Week 8: Hometown Zero

This week on The Bachelor, Nick visits the remaining girlfriends’ hometown and their families. What can possibly go wrong?

Rose Ceremony

• The girls are still hyperventilating and trying to solve the mystery of the pre-rose ceremony send off.
• Nick walks in with roses and they all nearly pee themselves with absurd horror and then again with delight when they realize they’re all getting a rose.
• Nick is already all teary eyed and seriously… suck it tf up already. YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS … AGAIN! This guy seriously bugs me.

Raven in Hoxie, Arkansas 

• Nick visits Raven’s hometown first; Hoxie, Arkansas… She plans the date and gets him almost fake arrested for climbing a grain tower within the first hour. Too bad it was just her big brother and not a real arrest. That would’ve been a great finale. Is this small town humor? I don’t know, man.
• They’re getting all flirty in swamp water and something and the only thing I can think of is mosquitos and West Nile Virus. Is this really how y’all want to go down? Taken out by a mosquito?
• Nick finally gets to meet Raven’s parents and they announce her dad is cancer free. Now this is amazing news, but why does it have to be announced in front of this complete stranger + millions more? What is ABC blackmailing them with?
• Raven is emotional (I think… it’s really hard to tell; the girl is kind of a robot.) and gives some sort of toast/rant/ramble that is way more suitable for a drunken anniversary congratulations. One one single person looked okay with her words
  • Raven: Your lives inspire me to breathe and I’m happy you are in love because love and living…
  • Her parents: Dear God child, please stop talking. 
• Nick and Mr. Raven (totally forgot her last name) have some sort of heart to heart and Nick asks if Papa Raven would be okay if he proposed to her.
  • Nick: If I were to ask Raven to marry me, how would you feel?
  • Mr. Raven: Bro, I just survived cancer. I don’t have time for your bullshit. Just do whatever you want.

Rachel: Dallas, Texas

• Next is Rachel’s hometown in Dallas, Texas. YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM, RACHEL!
• Their first stop is church. Good call, Rachel. This guy could definitely use a big dose of Jesus.
  • Nick: Do you have any tips for me when I meet your family?
  • Rachel: Just be yourself… but not so much.
• Race and interracial dating is a heavy topic during this visit. Valid, but he seems about 90% clueless how serious her family is about this.
  • Rachel’s sister: You know interracial relationships can be challenging, right?
  • Nick: I mean, I gave her a rose so I think I know about challenges. 
• Nick gets a bit of a pass when meeting her family since her dad has work obligations. You can tell he’s pretty relieved since Rachel made it clear her dad will not like him. You’d think he would be used to it since most of America hates him, but whatever.
• Everyone else is mildly roasting this stupid potato with hair and I am living for it. Rachel’s mom ultimately gives Nick a semi ok. I don’t think she wants to, but when there’s an invasion of cameras in your home, what can you do? Also, her daughter is a grown ass woman who’s actually a pretty accomplished lawyer. I mean, she can’t be good at everything and picking Mr. Right just isn’t her thing. Parents just gotta pick their battles. 
• Since it’s already been leaked that Rachel is the new Bachelorette, it kind of feels like her family knows this too, so they’re basically humoring Nick and his “Nickness”.

Corinne: Miami, Florida

• Next is Corinne’s visit in Miami. Pretty sure there’s no church involved in this visit. Good thing he got his dose of Jesus back in Texas. 
• Corinne plays sugar mama in a day of shopping. This is such a weird Pretty Woman vibe. Obviously Nick is the hooker because duh he’s a whore; just not as cool as Vivian. 
• Corinne literally has Nick put on a fashion show for her while she sits and chugs sips champagne critiquing him. It’s pretty damn glorious.
• After their retail therapy session, they have lunch and Corinne tells Nick she loves him. His response is to just shut her up by making out with her. I can’t really hate this too much because a good majority of my life has been devoted to avoiding the “L Word” conversation at all costs. But isn’t his goal to fall in love? I just really don’t know what the hell is wrong with this guy.
• We’re all finally meeting Raquel Corinne’s family and they are so much more normal than I had imagined them. I mean, I’m actually not sure what I imagined, but this wasn’t it.
• So the family is pretty wary of Nick because Corinne has a habit of bringing sketchy guys home. Sorry fam, but this isn’t going to be much different.
• All of Corinne’s family is as in love with Raquel as she does and it’s pretty sweet. Like, Raquel is family. I love it.
• They’re all sitting down at dinner and toasting with homemade olives or something and supposedly it’s such a Greek thing to do. I’m going to have to research this further (i.e.: watch “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” again), but that’s like saying toasting each other with tacos is so Mexican. It’s not. It’s odd.
• Corinne’s family is actually super civil with Nick and I assume that’s because they’re so used to her bringing scummy guys home they’re numb to it now. 
• Corinne’s dad takes her aside for a private dish sesh about Nick and she admits she told him she loves him. I can just see Papa Corinne mentally face palming himself. No wait, he literally just face palmed himself. 
• Papa Corinne wants to know if she’s ready to be Nick’s provider, because like the rest of America, we’re wondering if he’s ever had another job since he just keeps signing up for this shit.
  • Mr. Corinne: Are you ready to take care of this freeloader for the rest of your life?
  • Corinne: 
• While Corinne and Mr. Corinne are chatting, Nick totally bypasses Mom and Sis and has his heart to heart with Raquel. Totally makes sense because she’s actually the head of the family. Let’s talk to the nanny.
  • Nick: I think Corinne is great. She’s amazing.
  • Raquel: I hope you can take care of her, I love her but she’s not the brightest bulb. She’s going to need me forever. 

• Mr. Corinne’s turn to grill Nick and before they can talk, he has to teach Nick how to properly hold a wine class. 
  • Mr. Corinne: Corinne says she’s prepared to support your sorry ass if you get engaged and stuff.
  • Nick: Well… I got this Dancing With The Stars gig going on next. And I basically sold my soul and dignity to ABC so who know what other stuff they have planned for me.
  • Mr Corinne:
    

• Corinne’s mushiness over Nick is adorably annoying but then again I find most PDA disturbing, especially when I know her boyfriend has three other girlfriends.

Vanessa: Montreal Quebec, Canada

• Next is Vanessa in Montreal. Her planned day includes visiting her child laborers students. Oh wait… actually they’re adult special needs students (I don’t recall knowing this before but I kind of tune out a lot of things about this show) and absolutely the sweetest. This actually makes me even more mad about her scrapbooking shit. She’s using them for emotional blackmail. She’s the worst. I hope she gets the ring.
• Since her parents are divorced, Nick actually has two family meetings to attend. I’m digging this extra torture for him. Douche bucket.

  

• I’m sorry Vanessa, but trying to teach him Italian in 30 seconds is probably not going to work.
• Mama Vanessa pulls Nick aside pretty quick when his answers to their questions were super vague.
  • Mama Vanessa: Do you even love her?
  • Nick: Well, she was one of my favorite pair of boobs to walk out of the limo. 
  • Big sister Vanessa: Have you even talked about your future together?
  • Nick: I’m not sure my other girlfriends would appreciate that, but I’ll think about it. 
• Her family is actually being the only honest bunch.
  • Little brother Vanessa: He’s not good enough for you
  • Vanessa: I know, but this is what I signed up for.
  • Big sister Vanessa: Stop saying you love him. You’ve known him for like a month. He has like 800 other girlfriends.
  • Vanessa: But I’m his favorite.
  • Mama Vanessa: He’s kind of scum.
  • Vanessa: Yeah but he’ll be my scum.

• After all the real talk, Nick is realizing they’ve never had a deep long term conversation that normal couples have before they commit long term. FUCKING DUH! You don’t even live in the same country. YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A CAREER ANYMORE, YOU HAIRY POTATO! Oh my gawd this show is so stressful. 
•  Next is her dad’s side of the family. I hope they stick it to you too, Nick.
  • Papa Vanessa: Why do you like my daughter?
  • Nick: Her boobs. I mean we connect on more than a boob level too.
  • Papa Vanessa: But you also met three other women’s families?
  • Nick: Well…yeah. But can I have your blessing if I decide Vanessa is the pick of the litter?
  • Papa Vanessa: Dude no. Don’t you know what giving a blessing means? You don’t ask a bunch of dads for marriage blessings before you decide who to marry. 

• After some back and forth (and probably a quick break so producers can explain to Papa Vanessa how this show works), Papa Vanessa gives his blessing without even hiding his disgust.
• Vanessa might get on my nerves, but her family is the best. This whole scenario is as perturbing to them as it to me. Finally some people who don’t act like this is normal.

Who’s this chick at his door? Oh of course there’s a “To Be Continued” because WE WOULDN’T KNOW IT’S TO BE CONTINUED OTHERWISE. Stupid freaking show.