Hello Beasties!
I am not okay.
Next week is … big. The Boy’s birthday is in four days. His high school graduation is in exactly one week.
I am not okay.
The Boy turns 19 in less than a week – his last official teen year. Like a full-fledged young adult; the adulthood trial period is over and now he’s in it. Like IN it, in it. How is that even possible? Wasn’t he just born?!
I think it barely dawned on him a few weeks ago that he’s already a grown up and he’s kind of panicking that he’ll be more of one in a week. The realization that when important questions are asked about him, they’re not asking me, they’re asking HIM has got him freaking out. It was the first time I was asked to leave the room so they could speak to him in private. “Why, why would she leave? She’s my mom. She stays. Mom, please stay!” “Do I have to do this alone? Like forever now?!” I tell y’all… pure panic.
He’s not okay either.
As if we aren’t not enough with one super emotional moment, we also have another have a huge milestone 72 hours later: high school graduation. How is that even possible? Didn’t he just start pre-school?
I am not okay.
For the past nearly 19 years now, the month of May has me an emotional mess. All nostalgic and weepy and whatnot. This year is extra messy for my emotions. One big day a month is enough, but two?! Birthday AND graduation? I’m not equipped for that. I am not ready. I’m not ready for any of this. Furthermore, I don’t recall agreeing to any of this.
When I was pregnant, everyone always told me not to be so eager for the next step, next phase. And yet at the same time they would tell me “just wait until he sleeps through the night! How exciting when he crawls! When he takes his first steps” and on and on and on. Just wait until *insert milestone or phase here*.
No.
Here’s the thing: I was never eager for the next phase. I relished every moment he and I were already in. I really did. Ever since I learned of his existence, I just lived in that moment for us. After all, it’s been just the two of us: him and me, and I wanted to cherish every second of that blessed surprise. And I’ve done my best to. He truly made it so easy. I was never, EVER in a rush to get through whatever phase he was in. There was never a time where I was impatient for what was next for him…for us. Nope.
So my question is…what the heck? If I wasn’t in the whole “rushing to the next thing” category, why did the next thing get here so fast?! That’s not right. It’s downright rude.
I am not okay.
As much as I am not okay, I am so excited for him. And I am in awe of who he’s become and still becoming. Because – let me tell you; who he’s become so far is incredible and I just know that who he’s going to become will be even more so. Even if we never see his name in lights or he wins major awards or cures something that needs curing, this guy is going to leave his mark in the best way possible. He already is.
And I am so excited to see that happen. But right now, right this minute…
I am not okay.
He’s come a long way since his freshman year.
