Hey beasties!

This week was back to school. This week, The Boy is officially a high school senior. This is it: the first of all the last of the firsts. I’m fine. It’s fine. We are OKAY!

I know there’s still plenty of firsts to come, but they’re all real world firsts. That’s a whole ‘nother chapter. Besides that, it’s just not the same, you know? We’re in the bubble firsts. The main school firsts… the last of them. Guys. This is weird. Every chapter with this kid so far has been quite the experience, but this? I don’t know if I like it. I mean, I love it, but do I like it? Hmmmmm not so much.

This last set of firsts feels so… so final. He’s 18. He won’t need me any more. After the last of this year’s set of firsts, I’m just along for the ride; not really a part of it all. I will be a spectator only. I mean, yeah I’ll be his biggest fan, but that’s still just a spectator. And, yes, I’ve heard all the “he’ll always be your baby”… ” he’ll always need his mom”… yada yada. IT’S NOT THE SAME! And anyway… will he? And if he does need me, will he admit it? Probably/maybe/I would hope so! But like I said – it’s not the same! 

(I absolutely realize I’m throwing the pity party for one over here. Whatever. It’s my baby’s SENIOR YEAR! LET ME BE IN MY FEELS!

THAT’S IT? IT’S OVER?!

I absolutely know I am worst-case thinking here. The Boy has a solid two months of legal adulthood under his belt and has yet to pull the “I’m 18, you can’t tell me___” card. He’s never pulled the “When I’m 18__” or “When I’m an adult” nonsense on me. I don’t think it occurred to him to ever try me like that.

In fact, he went into a blind panic when he realized he wouldn’t be able to visit his pediatrician anymore. “You’ll help me find a new doctor, right? What if he doesn’t believe Dr. Segapeli about my history? What if he’s mean? What if he won’t let me talk to you about this stuff?! Dr. S has known me since I was born and now I just have to LEAVE HIM?! THAT’S IT? IT’S OVER?! Yeah, he was a mess.

Then came the school conference where he was told by his counselor and teachers that next year (this year), he’ll officially be an adult and I won’t need to be present or consulted in these meetings anymore. “But she can be right? I don’t have to do this alone, right?! She can call in and be a part of these meetings, yes??”

So… no, he’s not that guy. As independent as he is, I do think he likes knowing I’m around to guide that independence. I’m like his human instruction manual. He kind of knows what to do, but double checks with the manual (that’s me). I’m an emotional support mommy. That’s my role now.

But still. What if just suddenly THAT’S IT AND IT’S OVER?!

THE LAST FIRST DAY

Obviously this first of the last of the firsts went infinitely better than his first first day of high school. He has friends there. He knows where everything is. If there are stealth gang recruiters going around all willy nilly, he knows who to avoid so he doesn’t accidentally end up a tattooed gang member.

The Boy has his core group and his extracurriculars. He walked into that building on the last first day with a confidence he could have never had before. He was prepared, he was excited, and very importantly, he did not accidentally skip any classes or inadvertently try to steal any cars. Freshman Boy could NEVER!

IT’S THE GOAL

Of course it’s my goal (any decent parent’s really) to create an independent person out of those little mushy nuggets we start out with. I know that. I work at that. That’s what I want! Doesn’t mean I have to love it.

But I do love seeing the adult emerging from The Boy who’s about to enter The World. He’s empathetic, witty, funny, and just the right amount of weird.

And he knows he will always have a safe space with me.

I may be delegated to the sidelines sooner rather than later, but I will always be his biggest supporter.