Handmaid’s Tale Season 3 Episodes 1&2: It’s Lit

Summer is  here and you know what that means Barbecues, pool parties, campouts – JUST KIDDING! Summer means Gilead is back. Handmaids and Commanders, we welcome you. Sorry I’m not Kylie Jenner or else I would have turned Gilead into a Disney-esque party. But she’s a billionaire and can theme out a party any way she wants. It’s weird, but whatever – she’s Kylie MfknJenner. Hulu does not cater to our bingeing ways and tries to act like real TV by releasing only one episode a week. The audacity. However, they do give you a sweet sampling of what’s to come with releasing 3 episodes at once! YASSS HULU! Just enough for me to cancel any plans I had to be social or productive. So since I am behind (per usual), get ready for 2 supersized recaps. Why? Because I am obsessed with pretty much all things stressful and our current administration seems to be looking at this show as a blueprint. I just want to know what we’re in for.

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Episode 1

But anyway, back to Gilead. When we left Offred June last summer, she was handing off Serena Joy’s and the Commanders her baby off to Emily so they could go to Canada. WITHOUT HER. Yeah seriously left us screaming at our laptops like WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE SO CLOSE JUNE YOU MORON! But she wants to burn Gilead to the ground and save the babies and sex slaves. Respect. I mean, I still think she’s a moron, but I respect her choice I guess.

She’s just taking a leisurely stroll down Gilead, as Handmaids are wont to do when Commander Joseph Lawrence (the guy who helped her escape) sees her and says what we’re all thinking:

Commander Joey agrees to help her, reasons unclear so far, so Offred, June is now Ofjoseph. Cool. I don’t know what to make of the guy. I have a general automatic distrust of anyone with two first names and men… so a man with two first names is definitely suspect.

Meanwhile…

Commander Waterford is losing his shit (rightfully) at the Mexican televenola chaos June created. Writing on walls, lighting shit on fire…honestly except for the baby snatching, she basically acted like a really wild toddler. Now I realize he has a right to be mad, but he is just so fucking whiny I cannot deal. Serena Joy sticks a fork in him when she lets him in on her little secret: she helped. It’s pretty glorious. “I don’t have my pinky and now you don’t have your child. Checkmate, bitch” Nick is just lurking in back, probably crapping himself wondering if SJ is going to also tell him that baby Nicole is actually his and not Commander Micro Penis’s. Nope. I guess that was enough bombshells for the day.

SJ is just kicking it smoking a cigarette. If she hadn’t helped set back the country like 50 years or so, she could be inhaling unicorn farts from her pink Juul, but I digress.

No Rest For Baby Snatchers

June is continuing her path of excellent questionable decision making by having Commander Joe drop her off at Hannah’s house. Who has times for pesky planning AMIRITE? The fact he has no problem with this is troubling.

The house is surprisingly easy to break into. You’d think they would have ADT or at least a Ring doorbell since this isn’t the first time June has broken in, but okay. Gilead isn’t that kind of town (Country? The geography still confuses me). The Martha there is pretty nonchalant like she was expecting this and just says the Commander isn’t there and lets her into Baby Girl’s room. Not even a little perturbed. The cops show up fairly quickly because time and logic means nothing anymore. June is in no hurry to try to run away because she used up all her fucks to give in the first two seasons.

The cops get her and I know she’s not going to die because this is her show, but also – the punishment is death or something and I just don’t understand Gilead laws anymore. Out of  nowhere, some lady pops up and is all “hold up, officer. Let us chit chat for a second.” So New Mom McKenzie and June bond over Hannah like NBD.

Mama McKenzie: She wants a dog

June: She’s allergic

Mama McKenzie: Golden doodle. Duh

June: Okay well I gotta go get arrested now.

Mama McKenzie: K bye please stop breaking into our house. It’s getting weird.

June: I’ll try. No promises.

I am so confused.

And Back to The Waterford’s

It finally dawned on Fred that his sex slave stole his rape baby and sent her off to freedom. Oh and his pinky-less wife helped. He is so stupid.

Gilead cops just bring June back to their house, and again – I am so confused. They drowned a teenager for wanting to date and cut of SJ’s finger because she like had thoughts and stuff, but okay. That was that season. New season, new rules.

SJ (I can’t keep calling her Serena Joy – not even for the irony) is furious that June sent baby Nichole off to Canada with murderous Rory Emily. Sure, she drove her car into a crowd full of people, but she was going through – like a lot of stuff).

Nick: Brah, you are so dead.

June:

Meanwhile, In Canada…

We FINALLY get to see what Emily and Nichole are up to. Did they make it to Canada? Almost- they just need to cross this river. What can possibly go wrong with a woman trying to escape a tyrannical country with an infant by crossing a river? As someone who lives in a border town and well – READS THE NEWSS – ya got me.

Anyway, Emily tries crossing the river and just washes back up. Just as we’re about to cry with her about HOW CLOSE she was, the police show up to stress the audience out more, they’re all WELCOME TO CANADA. YASSSSSSSS SHE MADE IT!!

Fred Has a Plan

Fred finally serves a purpose other than being a rapey pig and comes up with a plan to keep all of them, including the cops from getting hanged. He tells SJ the plan and leaves her alone in the bedroom and we can actually see her brain snap. Is she finally going to kill Fred? June? Herself?

SHE SETS THE BED ON FIRE!! FIRE IS EVERYWHERE! SO MUCH FIRE!

Ofred/Ofjoseph/June comes in and they just casually stare at the fire. Seriously this bitch does not know how to make a timely exit.

June: Burn mother*cker, burn.

Me: OKAY BUT CAN YOU ENJOY THE BONFIRE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE?! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!

Me watching Waterford Hell House Burn: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?! WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS COPS BUT NO FIRE DEPARTMENT?! WHY DO I WATCH SUCH STRESSFUL SHOWS?!

Back In Canada

Emily arrived in Canada and everyone cheers for her. Oh my god Canadians are so nice.

Next scene: Luke and Moira are at the post office. Suddenly Emily shows up and is all, “Are you Luke?”

How she finds them so fast and actually knows them is beyond me. The way the pair looks at her, I am pretty sure they feel the same way.

Luke: …

Emily: Your wife saved my life.

Luke: …

And We’re Back In Gilead

June Ofjoseph is doing chores and some random Martha lets her know Emily and Nichole are safely Canadian now. I really don’t understand how time works in Gilead anymore.

We end with June getting her official assignment: now she belongs to Commander JL. Totally called it when he saved her again and again.

Commander JL: You’re not going to cause any trouble for me, are you?

June:

 

            Episode 2

Continuing my tumble down the diabolical rabbit hole known as Gilead… I may as well just chug my lavender essential oil to calm myself at this rate. I’m also giving myself a headache trying to keep up with the laws of Gilead right now. Sweet, stupid Edith was publically drowned for flirting, SJ had her finger cut off for reading the Bible and thinking, Emily had a surgery I can’t even talk about for not submitting to regularly scheduled rape… but now it’s chill.

So far this season:

• June kidnapped Baby Nichole and shipped her to Canada
• June tried to kidnap Hannah and got busted and:
• Serena Joy burned her house to the ground

And – nothing. Not a even a time out for them. Well all right then.

The episode opens with June at her new gig and we are blessed with a Janine sighting. I love that crazy one-eyed pirate bitch. We need more Janine in our lives.

June’s new walking partner, OfMatthew is definitely not one of them; she is definitely a snitch. She tells June that they’re about to take back Chicago – whatever that means. OfMatthew also tells June she’s praying for the Waterfords and makes it clear that Emily is being blamed for kidnapping their baby. I hate her already. June is not having it.

June: She had reasons, bitch!

Walking buddy OfMatthew gets ditched once they get to the grocery store and catches up with OfRobert on the Chicago news and figuring out how to keep building the resistance and continue low key smashing that patriarchy. Apparently the Marthas know everything but they’re too good for the handmaids.

June: We’ll see.

New Weird Commander’s House

Aunt Lydia is waiting for June when she gets back to her new station and I honestly forgot she’s still alive. I have a vivid recollection of her being stabbed and thrown (falling?) down a flight of stairs. Gilead medical care has advanced so much since last season.

Aunt Lydia wants the tea on Commander JL’s wife and like – same. The mysterious Commander treats her like she’s totally unstable and fragile and demands handmaids and Marthas do the same. Is she nuts? I don’t know. Aunt Lydia is not feeling Commander’s vibe and immediately shares the feeling with June. Aunt Lydia then just SNAPS LIKE A GLOW STICK and tases her! So everyone is cool with the kidnapping but gossiping at the grocery store is just crossing the line. Gotcha.

Aunt Lydia: So what’s up.  *ZAAAAP*

June:

 

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile In Canada

Emily goes to the doctor, they talk about clitoral reconstruction, I pass out a little bit,but the real news: Emily has high cholesterol. Of all the unbelievable things happening on this show, accessible healthcare is just the most outlandish.

And that’s what’s happening in Canada.

Back to Gilead

June overhears the Marthas figuring out how to get someone out and she is determined to prove she can sit with them.  I wonder if the one eyed Martha was done in Janine solidarity. Probably not. Because our girl can NOT read a room, she immediately tries to Regina George the group: they really aren’t having it.

June:

After taking poll, they decide to give June a trial run. They even let her wear pink on Wednesday give her a Martha uniform to blend in.

The Marthas and faux Martha all casually cruise through the parts of the city forbidden to handmaids. So that happened.

All seemed well until a Martha shows up at the Joey Lawrence house all shot and bleeding. She’s making a crazy ton of noise which is understandable because HELLO: shot. But June is a real G who had to give birth silent and alone without any drugs. Ovary up, Martha.

Commander Joey: What was that noise?

Pirate Martha: Oh you know. Just rats.

Commander Joey: After almost getting busted by the police, the shot Martha dies and Commander Joey makes her bury her body alone as punishment for letting her die or making drama or something. Pirate Martha is fired for lying.

Canada

Luke is making dinner with Emily awkward. It happens. Moira asks him to STFU and get the damn potatoes.

Moira: Sorry. You remind Luke of June.

Emily: I have high cholesterol.

Emily goes back to the doctor to get glasses. Now that she can see her phone keyboard, it’s the perfect time to call her wife.

Emily’s Wife: Hello?

Emily: Hi

Emily’s Wife & all of us: