“Fine” is such a dirty word to describe your mental health when you’re struggling with it. Quite literally a four letter word. Every time I say I’m fine, I am basically saying “f*ck you” to my emotional issues. I say “f*ck you” so damn much. It’s easier this way since I don’t “look” depressed…whatever the hell that means.
I am going to let you in on a little secret. Not all depressed people are sad and not all sad people are depressed. CUH-RAZY, right?! It’s a mind twister, for sure. There is not a single type of poster person for depression. You cannot point to someone and say, “Yup – that’s what it looks like.” Bitch, you don’t know. You. Don’t. Know.
I Am Happy!
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be a generally happy and upbeat person with depression and anxiety? It is zero kinds of fun. None. I am a fkn hilarious person… whatever… I make myself laugh and that’s really all I care about. I have a pretty good outlook on life; as a matter of fact, I am actually deeply in love with life. All this positivity that is inherently a part of me is at constant war with the anxiety attacks and bouts of depression that are also an inherent part of me. It SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKS. My mind is at war with itself and lately it is almost a constant battle. I am so tired of it.
What gets me through is that annoying happiness that’s still there inside me. I need to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. Granted, it’s a fairly dark humor, but damn, let me live. Laughing during these times is what keeps me from completely falling apart. A little semblance of me is just what I need to keep me afloat. And if I laugh hysterically at my pathetic existence at the moment – LET ME. Just so you know though; I get to laugh at me. YOU DO NOT.
If you see me laughing at one point during the day and then quietly reminding myself to inhale and exhale later on: go on about your day. It’s all just par for the course.
Like I Said: I’m Fine
You don’t have to believe me when I say I’m fine, but please just go with it. However, please believe me if I tell you I am barely hanging on: because I am.
So, if you ask me how I’m doing, and I say “fine” before bursting into tears for absolutely no reason, just mind your business.