Last week, we left The Bachelor with Nick and Raven getting weird in the Fantasy Suite. Let’s get this sh*t show started.
- Raven and Nick say their goodbyes and ABC is doing their best to make viewers understand they did have sex and the girl finally got her big O. I mean it’s so subtle with her kissing stuffed moose and making snow angels all by herself, but I’m really good at reading clues and stuff.
- Rachel gets the next individual date and I am really hoping she’s not as shambly as Raven’s date was. Rachel is much more eloquent, so at least we’ll get a cohesive conversation out of her.
- Since we actually know Rachel is the next Bachelorette, we know she’s going home tonight and I’m pretty happy about this . She is way too good for this man. She’s too good for this franchise.
- Their date starts off with cross country skiing and that’s great. Neither one of them has done this before… I hope medics are on standby.
- Petting reindeer and deep talks in a fancy shack… There has got to be more to Finland than this. WTF, producers?! Did you blow your budget on airfare?
- All right, I’ll admit this sleigh ride looks pretty spectacular. The only thing keeping it from being a 10 on the “Aww” scale is that Nick is there.
- Cocktails and more deep talks… oh geez. Nick is toasting her vulnerability and then immediately tells her he likes strong women. LIKE… WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN. Time your shit better, Nick.
- Rachel admits that she’s falling for him and I literally want to yell at her to stop right now because he does not deserve her at all. For the first time in this horrid show, Nick says he’s falling for her too. Yea, fucking right. I know how this ends tonight. Thanks again for that spoiler, ABC.
- Obviously they spend the night in the Fantasy Suite because like we really took him serious when he said he probably wouldn’t have sex during this stage of dating.
- Vanessa gets the final individual date and they decide frostbite is the way to go. Apparently it’s Finnish tradition to dip in a freezing cold pool and then run to a warm sauna. Or something. I don’t know.
- He actually compares dipping his toes in a frozen pool for five seconds to facing challenges as a couple. THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, YOU FREAKING IDIOT.
- After they get that crazy Finnish thing out of the way, they’re relaxing in the hot tub and Nick’s brain must still be in that frozen pool water because this fool is not making any sense.
- He tells her she’s very traditional and he’s just not so traditional. NO! NO, YOU DIMWIT!!! YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING HOW TRADITIONAL YOU AND YOUR VALUES ARE FOR THIS WHOLE GAWD AWFUL SEASON!! Don’t try your stupid cryptic mind games with me. I have video proof.
- Then he seems to bash her values and she says her core values aren’t something she’s willing to compromise. She shouldn’t even have to say this. I hate this guy so much. Then he turns around and says they’re so similar. Didn’t he just say they weren’t all that similar? Stop trying to be The Riddler, Nick. You’re not that cool.
- Vanessa: Would you be willing to move to Canada?
- Nick: I’m proud to be an American.
- Vanessa: Really? Do you even know who your president is right now?
- Netflix in chill in the Fantasy Suite because was there really any doubt?
- Every girlfriend tells the camera they’re falling for Nick, but no one can say why? Please someone tell me what his redeeming qualities are… I don’t see it.
- Vanessa says this is the best relationship she’s ever had and that truly bums me out. I don’t like her much, but the bar should be set so much higher than this turd in shoes.
- The freakin’ Rose Ceremony barely started and he’s already crying. Seriously. Can someone give this man a Xanax already? He’s ridiculous.
- Raven and Vanessa get roses and I’m so angry even though I knew Rachel was going home and I 1000% think she is too good for this assface. She was the only one he told he was falling for and he’s sending her home.
- Rachel: I regret everything and I regret nothing.
- Nick: Maybe after I get engaged, we can still hook up some time.
- In the car ride, Rachel is still dignified AF and I adore her.
- Rachel: Don’t tell me how wonderful I am and still not choose me.
One more week… I can do this.