The Bachelor Recap Week 7: Gilligan’s Island

I’ve invested seven weeks into finding any redeemable qualities about Bachelor Nick. The search continues. Can’t stop now. Let’s get started.

• Chris is sitting with Nick trying to figure out what TF his problem is and Nick says he thinks he’s ready to just quit. We all know that’s not going to happen. Homie is getting paid to rack up air miles and make out with a bunch of girls. C’mon son. Pretty sure Chris would straight up put a fork in Nick’s eye if there wasn’t a camera crew around. 
• Back at the hotel, the remaining girlfriends are sweeping up the pieces of their shattered self esteem and trying to figure out what’s going to happen. It’s pretty weird how concerned they all are about Nick’s feelings more than their own, but then again there’s nothing okay with the dynamics of this show. Being trapped in a house with a bunch of women, one guy and no access out outside existence does horrible things to the human psyche. 
• I just don’t get why he’s crying over Danielle to his six other girlfriends. SIX. OTHER. GIRLFRIENDS. You did this to yourself. For whatever reason, *cough*airtime*cough* the remaining six are eating this lameness up with a spoon. And when he tells them he actually sent Danielle home because what he felt for her doesn’t compare to what he feels for them and that’s that. I mean… WHAT?! I’m not trying to hate the guy but he’s making it so hard to like him. Is this what Stockholm Syndrome looks like? 
• To get over the heartbreak in St. Thomas, they’re all going to Bimini. I Googled it, it’s a real island and not a delicious Italian dessert. You learn something new every day. Who gets all the airfare points for all these trips? Lucky bastard. I’d definitely fight to the death for those mileage points if I had to work for this soul deadening show. At least get a European vacation out of this devil pact. Every week brings me another mystery. 

One on One Date

• Vanessa is going on the first individual date and Corinne is visibly pissed because she hasn’t had one yet. I didn’t even notice because she gets so much one on one time with him anyway. But she hasn’t had a real date. I use the word “date” incredibly loosely here…. so many words are used loosely when it comes to this show. I really don’t even recognize myself anymore.
  • Vanessa: I’m so excited for my date!
  • Other girls: Oh Em Gee you’re going to have such a fun time
  • Corinne: I will have Raquel cut you.
• “Deep Talks On a Boat” is the theme of this date. It’s basically Vanessa lecturing him on being too emotional. These lectures will become a theme.
  • Vanessa: Don’t cry. It bothers me.
  • Nick:
• Vanessa wants to say “I love you” like she doesn’t know that’s the phrase of death on this show. Pfft. Say it, I dare you.
• Back at the house, Corinne finds out she’s selected for another group date and, understandably she’s more than a little annoyed. Now that I realize she hasn’t had an individual date yet, I’m annoyed for her. And I hate myself for it.
• At dinner, Vanessa admits her feelings.
  • Vanessa: I’m falling in love with you.
  • Nick: I’ve been in love before and I really like you.
  • Vanessa: … *to cameras* Well that sucked. 

Group Date

• Corinne is determined to win the date rose and have Nick meet her nanny family. Let’s just ponder the ridiculousness of this for a bit. Okay.
• I’ve basically been horrified this whole season, but not one single scene has prepared me for Nick rubbing sunscreen all other Kristina while Raven and Corinne have to watch. I’m still cringing. And the ick factor rises again. 
• Nick announces they’re swimming with sharks and Kristina is the only one with a normal reaction to this news.
  • Nick: We’re swimming with sharks
  • Corinne and Raven: HOW FUN!
  • Kristina: Fuck that. 
• While they’re in the water… WITH SHARKS… Corinne is looking for Nick and Kristina is scrambling for the boat. Good instincts, girl. Raven is swimming along too, but she’s not freaking out or insane so the camera is ignoring her.
• At dinner, Corinne is stress eating cheese while Nick still pays attention to Kristina. I hate that she’s so relatable.
• Each girl gets a chance to tell him how awful St. Thomas made them feel, but he keeps bringing up hometowns like some kind of weird bribe to make them shut up about it and it works. Suckers. 
• Raven gets the group date rose, probably because she didn’t cause a scene or give anyone undue stress today.

One On One Date

• Danielle gets the 2nd one on one date with Nick and I honestly don’t remember that she had one before. She’s like human tofu. Just bland AF. They even planned the world’s most boring date because what else can they do?
• After bike riding through the island, they’re having the world’s most awkward conversation to match the world’s most boring date. This is actually painful. I’d almost rather watch the sunscreen scene again.
  • Nick: …
  • Danielle: …
• At dinner, Danielle is talking about the amazing day they had and I’m pretty sure she was on a different date than the one the rest of America saw or else her personal “amazing day” bar is really low.
  • Danielle: I really like you
  • Nick: The limo will be here to pick you up in a bit

This one is actually understandable. This date was nothing but awkward silence. I hate agreeing with Nick. It’s such a gross feeling. Danielle’s confessional is pretty heartbreaking though. She is really a sweet girl.

• The other girlfriends are gracious as always and as always I’m baffled. Leave it to Corinne to bring it all back into perspective though; “One less girl in between Nick and me.”
  • Corinne: I’d live in a shack without diamonds for Nick. Who am I?

Girl, I don’t know.

The Best Plan Ever

• Because Corinne is Corinne, Danielle’s exit makes her think of her own security with Nick, as one does with someone who’s in a marriage contest… I’m assuming.
• Thinking only of Nick, obviously, she wants to comfort him in these sad times. Naked. Because a good wannabe fiancée only thinks of her man’s feelings when he breaks up with his other wannabe fiancée…Again, I’m just assuming. I don’t know what TF is happening really, but what else is new.
• She’s using her “sex charm” skills to comfort Nick with her heart of gold and platinum vagine. I swear I cannot make this stuff up, folks. ABC won’t even spare us the  disgusting slurping kissing sounds behind closed doors before Nick stops this particular train from wrecking and sends a humiliated Corinne back to her room. Thanks for that mental image.

*  Side Note: Her Louboutin heels are so gorgeous I can’t stand it.

One on One Date 

• Rachel is just too good for him. Just. Too. Good.
  • Nick: I’m nervous about meeting your family. I keep proposing to women and they might be offended by that.
  • Rachel: They won’t like you anyway, so don’t even worry about it.
• Rachel’s happiness sends Corinne into yet another self doubt spiral… I think she just needs some Raquel cheese pasta and a hug.

Rose Ceremony Or Not

• Nick tells he wants to skip the rose ceremony out of respect for who he is sending home and I’m pretty sure it is taking ounce of Chris’ willpower not to straight up throat punch him. You have managed to be both boring and incredibly unlikable, Nick. The least you could do is give Chris the pleasure of making a girl or two cry during the rose ceremony. Damn.
• When Nick walks into the girlfriends’ house, Corinne basically tells him to GTFO because she really doesn’t want to be sent home. I really do appreciate the way she wears her emotions on her face. No filter.
• Nick tells Kristina she’s going home because basically she’s too good for him and once again, I agree. All this agreeing with Nick’s choices is making me incredibly unsettled. I don’t like this at all.
• In a classic dick Nick move, he leaves the house without telling the remaining girlfriends if there’s still a cocktail party and rose ceremony and someone else is going home.