The Bachelor: I Finally Caved

I have never seen The Bachelor. In 36598 seasons, not a single episode. I may be the only woman in America who hasn’t, but there you go. I’m of the unpopular opinion that 30 women fighting for the attention of one guy is gross and degrading. Thanks but no thanks. You just don’t do that. But this season, I heard there was a girl in a shark costume. Okay… I am here for that. Literally the ONLY reason I’m watching.

Let me start by saying there is no way I’m going to remember all these girls’ names. Not even a little bit. I mean I’ll remember some of them, but probably because they’re spectacular train-wrecks.

  • So, I don’t know Nick, but I’m guessing he’s like a Bachelor loser. I already feel sorry for him. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
  • Wow, the host is like, really rubbing it in that Nick sucks at being loved. “Remember all the times you were rejected? Seriously, we should name this show ‘The Terminal Bachelor” Good times!” Gawd, Chris. Never sign up for suicide hotline counseling. You suck at this.
  • Officially riveted to this shit show. 
  • His little sister seems to be the only family member who genuinely cares about him. The rest are just like “Please stop making the family name a national joke, Nick.”
  • There’s former Bachelors on here bashing him giving him advice. How thoughtful. “Just be yourself but not too much since people don’t really like you.” They can’t even pretend to like him.
  • His sad, sappy man emotional displays are not working for me. Suck it up.
  • WTACTUALF are these packages?! These cannot be actual successful women. Nope. Not buying it.
  • Seriously. A gorgeous attorney and beautiful special ed teacher going on reality TV to find love? Sketch
  • I bet most of these girls are only here to get their fit tea Instagram sponsors.
  • Whoever said Corinne is the new Elle Woods is seriously disturbed.
  • SHE HAS A NANNY! A 24 YEAR OLD WOMAN HAS A NANNY TO CUT HER CUCUMBERS! What. Is. This?!
  • Corinne just called herself a very serious businesswoman. A very serious businesswoman does NOT have a nanny. I’m pretty sure her dad is just letting her play solitaire on the computer. Those crazy eyes don’t help her either. Nope.
  • IT’S MY DOLPHIN!! Alexis is adorable. Her sisters are over the dolphin lover. “I will kill you in your sleep if you make a dolphin sound again.” Alexis *makes dolphin noises*
  • I seriously doubt this mental health counselor is mentally healthy. I’m calling that now.
  • Elizabeth… Well let me get this straight. This chick already met him at Jade & Tanner’s wedding (NO idea who they are) and they had sex in a broom closet or whatever. THEN she refuses to give him her number, but she follows him 9 months later onto a TV reality show to fall in love?! Psycho Perfectly normal.
  • So now it’s time for the been around the block bachelor to actually meet these women. He keeps saying crap like “I see she has a good heart.” You can’t see their hearts, Nick. Those are boobs. You are looking at their boobs.
  • I thought these girls were supposed to be trying to make a good first impression, not bash the guy. “My friends think you’re a piece of shit HAHA” “Cool, thanks for being here” “I’ve seen all your shows! I sure hope you don’t end up getting dumped by all 30 women!” “Thanks, me too.” Is this a show or a roast?
  • I guess there was a memo about red dresses. Way to stand out, girls.
  • Where’s Dolphin Girl already? C’mon man.
  • One Night Stand, I mean Elizabeth just got here. “I like having this mysterious secret.” I give it like 2 days before all the girls know.
    • Nick to Chris: “I know that girl…we hooked up.”
    • Chris: *bad acting shocked face* “No! How awkward.” Bitch, it was part of her audition tape.
  • HERE SHE IS! SQUEEE!!! She actually came out of the car in a shark suit. She’s already my favorite.
    • Alexis: I’m a dolphin
    • Girls: But you look like a shark
    • Alexis: No. I’m a dolphin.
    • Girls: Ohhh okay.
  • Nick’s first night toast is horrible. It’s a good thing there’s so much alcohol and these girls are determined to get those fit tea sponsorships for their Instagram accounts.
  • Dear Lord, there’s more?! These one on one talks are sooo boring. Nick having all these mini dates is like my personal hell. Corinne is giving Nick PDA tokens and I want to whack her in the face with a sock full of them…unless they’re chocolate.  I wonder if Raquel made them before or after she sliced up the cucumbers.
  • Corinne just busted up the next one on one to make out with him. SHE WON’T BE IGNORED, NICK.
  • Actually they’re all getting a little bit nutty and this is only the first night. Maybe it’s all those red dresses making them angry.
  • OMG I love Dolphin Girl and her weird dolphin sounds. You know that shark costume was a drunken Amazon purchase but I love and admire her commitment to calling it a dolphin.
  • These girls are drooling over this thing called a “First Impression Rose”. It looks like a plain old rose to me, but what do I know.
  • These grown ass women are actually ugly crying about not getting a rose. From someone they’ve known for a couple hours. Wow. My Dolphin Shark got one and that’s all I care about. Oh. Corinne did too. She’s a psycho but a hilarious one.

I actually feel dirty watching this show and my standard of entertainment is pretty low when it comes to reality tv (shout out to all the real housewives) but I’m pretty sure I’ll be watching again. I’m just not sure if it’s a guilty pleasure or hate watching. We’ll see.

Jenn

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